She Has Rusty Scissors

Her princess seams rip into your lacy life of drugs drink and sex,
in that order because that is what it takes to numb
the rusty scissor-incisions on your heart.
The very heart she made out of drugs drink and sex.

A kitchen knife next to your plate licks and kisses your blood.
You stabbed your side to serve sacrificial scapegoat for dinner,
“You are killing me but allow me the pleasure of finishing the job.”
What Father makes he destroys and now there is fire on your horizon.

Piecing together Father’s leftovers
She stitches with a thread of mental illness.
She reaches to bite with her beautiful teeth.
She tastes air where you used to be.

In spite of rusty cuts, she makes beautiful things.
To fight Father’s rage, your incisions grew wings.
Despite the drugs drink and sex we met.
In defense of pain, you stuff your debts

Kneeling in the dark waste of vomited despair
There is nothing left inside to share
Except rusty love shaped from blood and rage
Whispering words of survival, filling my page.

– Chloe Sparacino

Inscription of Haut Puuket: Tablet Five

Tablet Five

1) Now the whole world gathered in one place and spoke one language. They had discovered the god Money, and followed him without question. The people said to one another, “Come, let us build a city, and two towers that reach to the heavens and symbolize our love for Money.” So it came to pass that the people built two towers, using steel for stone and concrete for mortar. But Morgan Freeman saw these towers and said, “Who is this Money they are worshiping? I have a much better voice.” Then the people said, “But Money talks!” And Morgan Freeman said, “Shut up, that wasn’t even funny.” And he knocked down the two towers, and scattered the people of the Earth, creating all the different languages, except for Latin; he killed Latin because it is useless.

2) Because a side effect of the scattering was amnesia, nobody knew who Lord MF was, but it came to pass that a son of somebody whose name I forget because he was unimportant became satisfactory in the eyes of Morgan Freeman. The son’s name was Chris. Chris loved Morgan Freeman in Million Dollar Baby, so he decided to make a church dedicated to him. Many people came, and soon, most of the world was worshiping Morgan Freeman.

Then the worshipers of Morgan Freeman became convinced that they had souls, and that these souls would escape from their dead bodies and ascend to some afterlife Utopia in which they would live forever. Morgan Freeman didn’t know this was an option.

3) But it came to pass that people found out that they didn’t have souls (If referring back from Tablet 5 Chapter 4, omit “didn’t have souls” and replace with “were saved by grace.” If referring back from Tablet 6 Chapter 2, omit “they didn’t have souls” and replace with “the cake is a lie.”). This made them very happy, because it meant that they could do whatever they wanted during life without fear of consequences in the afterlife. So Morgan Freeman’s world erupted into chaos. Zombies took over and dragons escaped from the netherworld making a rift between Sumatrasta and Zuthrata. The ninjas lived in the Valley of Singo, battling Mirkwood elves while the alumni of Hogwarts fought vampires from Washington suburbs.  In Kamatriqua there was a clan of imps who were seduced by succubae from Landolakes, until Kilgore achieved his quest of finding the Sword of Andragos, banishing the succubae to Jellyfish Fields. This is when the Horde and Alliance clashed over the towers of Azeroth, casting Eyes of the Beast and Arcane Blast whenever they had manna. In the end, Morgoth ruled his domain of homosexuals and the world settled into a realm of deep evil that Morgan Freeman didn’t like. To continue, please refer to the following options:

Option A—If you want Morgan Freeman to leave and stop making worlds, stop reading now.

Option B—If you want Morgan Freeman to try again, turn to page one, and reread Tablet 1 to Tablet 5, skipping Tablet 5 Chapter 3.

(If referring back from Tablet 5 Chapter 4 or Tablet 6 Chapter 2, please refer to the options at the end of the respective chapters)

4) Seeing where he went wrong, Morgan Freeman gave everybody souls as soon as they started to believe they had them. Then he created a Utopia in the sky where the souls of dead people got to go. Even though the people thought their souls would only be saved if they were good to others, Morgan Freeman admitted everyone’s soul to Utopia. He loved every soul so much that he didn’t think it was right to let one in and keep another out. The souls were saved by Morgan Freeman’s grace alone, not their works.

At this time, please reread Tablet Five Chapter Three and then refer to the following options:

Option A—If you want Morgan Freeman to give up now, you may stop reading.

Option B—If you want Morgan Freeman to try again, turn to page one and reread Tablet 1 to Tablet 5, skipping Tablet 5 Chapter 3 and the time in Tablet 5 Chapter 4 when you are told to reread Tablet 5 Chapter 3. Then refer to Tablet 6.

 

 Tablet 6 was never found.

The Inscription of Haut Puuket: Tablet 4

Tablet Four

1) …And when Abraham Lincoln lived 5,000 years, he begat Lincoln Town and Country. And after he became the father of Lincoln Town and Country, Abraham Lincoln lived 7,082 years and had other sons and daughters who apparently were not that important. Altogether, (if you can’t add) Abraham Lincoln lived 12,082 years.

And when Lincoln Town and Country lived 3,556 years, he begat Tiger Woods. And after he became father of Tiger Woods, Lincoln Town and Country lived 3 years, and had many more sons and daughters. Altogether, Lincoln Town and Country lived 3,559 years.

And when Tiger Woods lived 16 years, he begat Charles, for there was no birth control. After he became father of Charles, Tiger Woods lived 3,416 years, and had many many more sons and daughters. Altogether, Tiger Woods lived 3,432 years.

And when Charles lived 2,302 years, he begat Jonathan. And after he became the father of Jonathan, Charles lived 5,514 years, and had many more sons and daughters who he was sure were not very important. Altogether, Charles lived 7,816 years.

And when Jonathan lived 16 years, he realized he liked men, so he begat nobody. Altogether, Jonathan lived 6,572 years and was content. It was Charles who cried, “Why me? Why me? Why me?”

Since Jonathan begat nobody, let’s go back to one of those unimportant sons and daughters of Charles (Who am I kidding? You and I both know it’s going to be an unimportant son). When Charles lived 2,307 years, he begat Sean. He liked women. When Sean lived 1,046 years, he begat William (If referring back from Tablet 13 Chapter 4 replace William with Jeany Jeany Eatsazucchini). And after he became father of William, Sean lived 4,554 years. Altogether, Sean lived 5,600 years, but he was still unimportant.

2) William, who was unimportant because his father was unimportant, saw a flood coming. He gathered a bunch of animals and a few hot chicks and got on a boat he built. He rode out the storm while everyone else on Earth died. Then he repopulated the world, so everything above is kind of irrelevant.

3) So William had sex with all the women he brought on the boat, just like any other man in his position would, but the Lord became angry. “Why are you having sex with all these women? It goes against all the rules!” And William said, “What rules?” And Morgan Freeman said, “Touché.”

This made Morgan Freeman create rules, which he gave to the son of William, whose name was Alexander. This is when Chuck Norris came back in time and roundhouse kicked Alexander. Then Chuck Norris left. Alexander’s untimely death forced William to take up the rules himself. These rules are written in pure gold on tablets made of diamonds and they’re in a box somewhere near Buenos Ares, but don’t look for them. Alexander took the tablets and read them to the world, which already had two billion people. This is what they said: 1) Thou shalt not copulate excessively, until we get birth control. 2) Thou shalt not pity the fool. 3) Thou shalt not perform handstands in kilts. 4) Thou shalt not get caught cheating. 5) Thou shalt not spawn-camp. 6) Thou shalt not kick puppies. 7) Thou shalt not eat fish with cheese. 8) Thou shalt be repetitive in the prefixes of your commands. 9) Thou shalt watch Shawshank Redemption. 10) Thou shalt exercise free will. 11) Thou shalt tell dead baby jokes at cocktail parties. 11) Thou shalt not [the rest of the rules have been lost due to a lack of faith in their practicality]

4) And just so people wouldn’t argue about what is right in the eyes of the Lord Morgan Freeman, he also told William that he is pro-choice, forbids gay marriage, approves of immigration, supports health care reform, hates George Clooney too, knows that stem cell research will get you nowhere, forbids furry pornography, sees racism as a means to eternal happiness, is completely behind imperialism, forbids global warming, and sees women as equals to house cats.

 

-Cory Saul